Have you ever said the words, “that’s just not me” when someone asks you to do or wear something? Or have you said, “that’s so me”, as you look at an incredible act or a very mom thing that you do? Honest;y, I have used those expressions so many times. But, let me let you in on a little secret, I have no idea who I am. Shocking right? I get it. Let me share my identity story with you, the abridged version of course.
My Identity Crisis and How I Released it
I spent most of my life trying on various identities. In my teens I was an unlovable rebel fighting for the under dog. In my twenties I was a feminist and then in my early thirties, I was a homemaker Sally Slow cooking Sensation was my name back then). It was the identity I spent the most time in, being wife and mother. So, when I suddenly became basement dwelling single mom, I was lost, desperate and afraid. I wasn’t aware that it would be the single greatest gift I’d be given as it would force my hidden giant and Kick Ass business babe to arise, but then it did.
For years, I tried everything to build a business, manifest my Kick Ass Life and get rich already. And each year, my plans would fall short. Sure, I’d get closer to my goals, but it seemed like I wading through molasses with concrete galoshes. Then, one day, a random card reading split my heart wide open and I saw what was holding me back. You see, my constant battle between wanting to be a great mom, which meant baking cookies and available for every game, conversation and every foreseeable need my children had. And my deep yearning to create a life of my own. I had given everything to everyone in hopes of being accepted so long, that despite the opportunities and the actions I was taking, I was anchored in my duality. I had daydreamed and visualized, built my vision boards and chanted affirmations, taken courses and studied everything my coaches taught. But, one thing held me back-guilt. I was guilty about spending time away from my children, the mess that could never seem to stop growing, the heaping piles of laundry, the unmarked essays. I was in a perpetual state of tightness and guilt that I was never able to realize true success.
So, after my heart opened up, I decided that I’d had enough! I was going to step into my new identity, Kick Ass Bosspreneur, with a message. My first step was to share my raw, emotional story with a few thousand of my closest internet friends. It was cathartic. I was open, I was raw, I was emptied and the space was made for my true, inner, fearless being to emerge.
“Conviction and convenience don’t live on the same block… If you are convicted, you might have to bleed a little, sweat a little, cry a little, stay up a little late. And you recognize that your success doesn’t belong to you. Your success belongs to all the people who are inspired by the contagiousness of it.” Lisa Nichols
So, what crisis is holding you back? Are you guilty? Feeling insecure? Afraid you don’t know enough, own enough, do enough? What stories are you telling yourself that are holding you back? In all my coaching programs, I start off with a mindset check and alignment. I strongly believe that seeds planted in infertile soil, will not grow, no matter how much we tend them.
How to Identify Negative Anchors
Take a look at where you are in relation to your goals, have you been consistently successful? Or are you like I used to be, consistently mediocre? Look at your body, your possessions, your friends for clues? If you feel any mild feelings of shame or denial or blame or anger, then start there. Explore why you feel the way you do. Study yourself like you would a potential customer or client. Look at the things that make you happy, sad or mad. Look at the things you always wanted to do, compared to the things you’re doing now. Are they in alignment with your true desires? This is not an easy, one and done exercise. Self knowledge is a lifelong quest, it is something you will always have to pursue as we are in constant shift. And, if you find your mind is drawing blanks as you approach this method, simply back off, breathe and try it another time, without judgement, if you can.
Check out this kick-ass meditation by Lisa Nichols to help you claim your champion.
Releasing to Receive
There is a ritual for everything these days, so once I discovered I was blocked, I searched for something to do to symbolize a release. I found this ritual, on the Girl Who Knows site and made a big deal of it, white clothes for purity, sage, candles, a change of wardrobe and a dip in the tub and all. But I’m extra af and I can own that now.
So, why is releasing a necessary part of receiving?
Well, according to the laws of nature and physics, nature abhors a vacuum. What that means is that once you create space for something, the Universe, God, Buddah, the Source, whatever you believe provides for you , will rush in to fill that space. Now, what gets put into that space will depend of course on what you have been creating. So, once you release the feelings of guilt about spending too much time away from your family, or being selfish because you are trying to build your dream life or any such self serving, poisonous mind game, your mind will become filled with ideas and solutions that will help you create the very dreams you have inside.
And, one more thing, guilt is not a noble emotion. It is a selfish act that solves nothing and robs you and everyone around you of joy and peace. Let me break this down further, if you did something wrong, nay, something hideous, like kill your bestfriend’s cat. The time you spend feeling guilty, puts you at the center of the entire ordeal, thus demeaning your friend’s grief. There is nothing to be resolved by guilt. Your children won’t have more time with you, your wife or parents won’t gain anything good from it. In fact they may end up with a crabbier version of their loved one. So, lose the guilt and make the decision. Yes, you will have to work a little later, miss a few recitals or games. Sure, Aunt Amy’s 76th birthday was a big deal, but all that will be forgotten when they are all cruising the Bahamas on your dime.
We all want to be the best parents, while providing a great freedom lifestyle. And while that is absolutely possible, it does take some sacrifice. Don’t allow guilt to take up precious creating space in your mind and heart. Decide to get through this hard part of the journey as fast as you can and then you will have the choice to do whatever you want, however you choose. It’s clear cut, this is the real deal, this is life, you don’t get a do-over. Do it well.
In love & light,